What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
14.06.2025 02:22
Was to survive, this bastard.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
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I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
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I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Why do narcissists and especially covert narcissists always play the victim?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
What makes someone feel "rich enough" in different societies?
But ive been too sick for many years..
I couldn’t, believe it.
And i lived it daily.
What should I do? I'm 17 and I'm dating a 23-year-old guy.
Would this be the day?
Why did i forgive my father ?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Why did the American's mulberry harbor not hold up after D-Day?
(And it was in our own minds.)
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She was in good health!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was 9 years of age.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I was very sick at this time too.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
One cannot live in the past .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
We were not on the streets..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
When she asked me how she looked .
So whats the point in blame.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Ive learnt so much.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Especially a lifetime of it.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I have no regrets .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Im still living with it.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I will be 64.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I waited trembling.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
It was going to be , some day.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He knew the spot.
We all went to grammer schools
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She found it foreign!.
Comes on , in middle age.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I think the readers, may guess!
I said to her
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My family never makes their pension either.
I never cut or harmed myself..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
What did i know ?
This is soul school!.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I was scared of men, in general
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But, we were locked up after school.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Who then, do I blame.?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But it wasn’t much.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
So, i spoilt her more .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She married twice! .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She loved him until the end.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I write beautiful poetry .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She wouldn,t have been !
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
As i do to all so called friends.?
My life is so biszare .
He resisted the act ,that day.
I was seconnd youngest,
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I don,t even have a pension.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
All the time i was locked up.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Put me off passion for life!!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.